I did this in 2008 but since it’s topical this season I thought I’d upload it to YouTube. It brings back good times spent with Macky, JP and big Rydo (in various compositions) banging the tunes out in our living rooms. I hope whoever listens to it gleans some enjoyment from it!!
Knock Off Nigel:
I am definitely a map geek, so I just about passed out when saw this video showing the changing face of the European map over the past 1000 years. Very nifty:
Original Source: Centennia Software
My last blog post was crap and I’m gradually coming to terms with that fact.
I’m not going to apologise for it though because doing so would be something like admitting I might have gotten it wrong and we just don’t do that on my planet.
Today I realised that a lot of sweetie wrappers have competitions on them, so I’ve promised Gail that I’m going to be far more attentive to my chocolate-bar rubbish from now on in the hope that I can win an iPod or a Ford Focus in the future. She just laughed. I think she thought I was kidding.
Last night Team Patterson dined 76 of Clarkston’s finest citizens in St Joseph’s church hall to raise funds for Bethany’s nursery (Gail’s idea)! Gail and the team of mums at the nursery produced a belting “Come Dine With Me in Italy” night and raised over £2500!!
12 The Oval Masterchef 2011 champion: Gail Patterson
…Aye I know!!
So me and my super-chef mrs headed to Fenwick’s Cafe this morning for some brekkie but it was closed so we went to the Morrison’s in Giffnock instead. It were rubbish. Don’t go.
Once I was sure of my ability to contain what I had actually managed to masticate and then eventually swallow, we went to pick the chimps up from the maw-in-law at Lochlea heights and Gail and her wee mammy treated everybody to the usual unintended episodes of sporadic slapstick hilarity. They work unwittingly well as a duo but it is difficult to describe their calamitous capers with mere written words so I’m thinking of following them around with a video camera as it would make fantastic TV: I love their tandem puzzled expressions as their faces wait for the punch-line of a joke to be realised…it’s like that interval between when a fire work takes off and when it actually goes off. Of course sometimes it doesn’t go off at all. That’s wouldn’t be a main highlight but “Punchline Conundrum Time” would probably be a recurring feature of the show.
Anyway I might not.
Every time we go to Rouken Glen park to “feed the ducks” Bethany witnesses greed, theft, assault and brutal racism.
It sickens me.
And this park is supposed to be in one of the ‘better’ neighbourhoods in Glasgow too. Seagulls bully ducks and I don’t think its fair. Did you know that if you pretend to throw bread for seagulls they will follow the phantom food much like dogs do with sticks? Ducks don’t though. So I’ve developed a technique which makes “feeding the ducks” a much more feasible endeavour. It is called the Cobra Strategy but is sometimes referred to as Operation Mallard. I have honed it into a simple 5 step method and I am now going to share it with you:
1. Hold the bread in your best hand and address the inevitably mixed congregation.
2. Select a hungry looking duck that you’d like to feed.
3. With your weaker arm perform a convincingly paced ‘lob’ type action to an imaginary marker well to the left or right of your intended target duck. (The majority of the feathered harbour-vermin will follow the ‘dough’).
4. Just after you have ‘released’ the decoy ‘bread’, perform a whip-crack like insertion of the actual bread into the pond space immediately adjacent to the target duck. This must be performed at a lightening fast pace. Think “COBRA”.
5. Revel in the success of the Strike.
6. There is no 6th step but you may be able to repeat the above 5 steps with releative ease for almost 10 consecutive minutes.
During the recession we have been visiting the park more often and will continue to do so until the Tories implement their ridiculous Park-visiting Taxation For Earners Under The £100K Threshold Policy, so if you want to see the above methodology in live demonstration visit the pond at Rouken Glen a couple of Sundays every few months until our paths cross. I am an able tutor; my 4yo daughter Bethany showed mild interest in the bread and also in the ducks, while my 4mo son Thomas feigned a vague response to my technical demonstration…but you know what kids are like.
Bethany successfully feeds ducks
If not then practise, practise, practise, and good luck.
Pretty clever title eh? Same punchy wit as before you’ll be pleased to see. Well anyway, clearly I haven’t bothered my shirt to write a blog for 18 months but there you are, that’s life.
There’s not a chance that I’m going to fill you in on the FULL last 18 months so you can have a re-think on that one… no, what I’ll do is wee summary and then I’ll pick up next week’s blog as if nothing ever happened… I’ll be like, “what 18 month gap?”… and I’ll hit the ground running so to speak.
So what happened for the rest of 2009 – yer dyin’ to know I can tell!
March 09 – Nana P turns 50 and we hit Pompey for Easter
Well my wee Mammy turned 50 not long after my last post and Gail made a pure spankin’ cake for it (as usual!). My Dad took her to Whistler in Canada for a skiing holiday and wee Teri managed to slam herself into the ground and do her knee ligaments in just a few days into the holiday- nae luck Mum – but they had a tremendous time anyway and Gail summarised the trip in a birthday cake:
Noice!
We went to Pompey for Easter and lost some money at the horses at Newbury while Betty got her face painted so every cloud…, 
went to the ‘Forces Boxing Championships’ at the naval base – it was decked out like the Shankhill Road but then we were in deepest darkest Eng-er-land – great night though (!), 
and generally had a 1st class time as usual: Bethany playing buses with Granny Suse:
April 09 – not much
Somebody cleared out a drawer somewhere and…
Hahahahahahaaha! circa 1988
May 09 – Celebration of Francis Anthony Patterson
Songs and stories with my wee sis Louise and my wee girl Bethany
We lost my Granpa Tony Patterson in May 2009, an amazing man and a true hero in my life. My Granpa taught me many lessons in life which still ring in my ears most days and I can still hear his voice as clear as a bell. Not least of his lessons to me was in the art of argument, he was the Grand Sensei of the Patterson Dojo, and I one of many able pupils. My very last conversation with him was an argument about the drainage qualities of astro-turf believe it or not, an argument which finished with us disagreeing to agree to disagree… as most arguments do! He lost his sight in 2004 and this altered his spirit irrevocably and forced a proud and able man to become fully dependant upon my ever loving grandmother Margaret. My tremendous admiration for him only strengthened through this time as he held his faith throughout and also his wit and story-telling especially for visits from friends and family so as to appear as perfectly normal. Anyway his absence still pains me greatly to this day and I hope that wherever he is now he is proud of me and my family.
To celebrate with a good argument as Patterson's only can...Trivs!
June 09 – Midges and Father’s Day Breakfast
Built a TINY garden and a MASSIVE garden in Stewarton for 2 of the nicest, most hospitable families we have come across in our travels; the Penney/Halls and the Wardrops. The midges at the Wardrop job were so mental we literally had to chuck our tools down and run in to the van and home more than once!! This is me trying to escape the plague of midges on a HOT June afternoon:
No Joke!
Anyway Father’s Day came around at some point and the Award winning chef that my wife is just flung me this slop:
Nah I'll just have Cornflakes pet
In Re-e-wind Part 2: The Patterson’s hit the Algarve and we move house (Betty actually thinks we’re gonna push our house down the road!!)
S’Happenin’ Peeps?
If you aren’t already you should be following my ginger ass on Twitter @ http://twitter.com/nickypatterson – it’s guaranteed out yer chair fun!
Anyway I’ve spent the last fortnight putting a shelf up hence the lack of blogging – so here is the lowdown in abbreviated form. Try saying abbreviated when your inebriated…it’s loads of fun. I did it twice already.
Weather update: Savage Arctic Conditions in 1 Victoria Crescent – here is a live picture
Astounded
As you can see I have been working out – just haven’t told my chin yet.
So if I’m right I left of spinning some yarn about our Anniversary meal. Yeah? OK. Here is the history of the past 19 days crammed jam-packed into a minute 4000 words:
Video Exclusive and VIP visitation
First off the video exclusive of Bethany’s ace drawing skills. Drink it up!
If you don’t see the video above then visit this link – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCLtzucFmMA
This was by far the highlight of the week until Louise ‘Weezy’ Topping arrived from Pompey (Portsmouth) for a week’s hing-oot at chateau Patterson. Weezy is my (step) sister-in-law. She is 16.
In the party spirit
So we picked her up from the airport. Gail and Betty went to greet her from the plane with banners and balloons much to Weezy’s teenage enthusiasm and delight. I, meanwhile, dodged the barriers and taxi drivers for 45 minutes which was much much fun and something which I’d be please to do time and time again.
When we got upsta road Bethany just about blew her top with excitement that her OTHER auntie Louise was sleeping in HER room. Everything she did and said she made sure that Louise was watching. In her smurf-journalistic mode she decided to log the occasion in her viewfinder:
Patterazzi!!
So we had a smashing week and although I worked most of it I managed to take the girls to Mings in Princes Square:
Yum Yum
Ikea:
It's still as big as last time
and Wagamama/Pictures (Confessions of a Shopaholic – pish):
Gail - not impressed
On the event of the latter Gail and I had a stormer in Central on the way home. The photo says it all. Confessions of a Shopaholic is horrible. We waited in a 2 mile queue for almost 7 hours only to get close enough to the till to smell the queen’s nose to be told that both Slumdog Millionaire and Notorious were sold out. I did the gentlemanly thing and offered to spend more than 2o real actual pounds on tickets for Confessions of a Shopaholic – thinking the girls would respectfully decline – and to m utter astonishment and humiliation they upheld the offer. We came out and the girls said that I laughed. Actually I was being sarcastic the first time and the second time I was choking on a piece of unpopped popcorn. I also tried to fall asleep to look cool and uninterested but couldn’t because the sound was up too high. Betty was at Auntie Karen’s.
Weezy went home the next morning and we got sad.
More Glasgow Culture and Birthday Action
On Sunday we did the Patterson Culture Club thang again and visited the Lighthouse in Glasgow which was dead good but not really for entertaining kids – unless they like stairs, lifts and architecture.
We climbed to the top of the Rennie Macintosh Tower
Those two pretty blobs are my wife and child
At the top you can see the whole of Glasgow which is pretty cool for somewhere I never even knew existed:
Tip Top
On top form
Top of the pile
The next day we celebrated my Gran Sweeten’s and my Dad’s birthdays. We went to my Auntie Julie’s house for some beer, cake and Chinese food. Minted.
The Bairns Grub Up
Sometime the next day I came across these 3 smurfs who clearly share the same gene-pool:
The very next morning I awoke with one of those spots inbetween my nose and the crease of my cheek. For some reason I thought the best way to deal with this would be without hands:
That brings us up to last Tuesday morning which is recent enough I think. This isn’t Brookside so I don’t feel I have to turn up everyday.
Anyway follow me on Twitter – it’s the new Geek Chic.
Will be back this week gang. Ciao for now.
xxx
It’s been 9 days since my last post and I can tell that you are all getting worried so I thought I’d re-surface and in the words of Craig David (well almost) “Fill You In”. So to speak.
The sit down Sunday Dinner with Strictly Ice Dancing or whatever it's called
A week last Sunday we were invited up to my Mum and Dad’s for some grub. We never turn down free food. But first we picked Betty up from Auntie Karen’s, after Gail and I had a rock n roll night in Rascasse in Clarkston. Unfortunately we constituted 10% of the entire customer diaspora that night and felt like we had turned up to a disco that nobody was invited to. Rank rotten. Anyway we had a laugh and then missed the chinese and the kebab house – so phoned our old pals at Flames on Pollokshaws Road. Here is some actual transcript of Gail’s drunken order placing:
“You know… we used to live in Govanhill… and… we were pretty much – I mean we were in all the time…we were pretty much… your favourite customers…and …you know… I love Flames… it would be nice to have some more…what?… oh we stay in Clarkston, I know it’s a wee bit out the way – CLARKSTON, yeh it’s just up the road really…yeh Clarkston, it’s just up the road”
She ‘K.Od’ about 10 seconds after hanging up and I am truly amazed that the guy even took her order because sure enough, at quarter to 2 in the AM the pizza and chicken tikka kebab arrived.
“We don’t normally deliver this far up mate-”
“-THANK YOU” says I, “appreciate it mate!” pressing another £2 coin into his outstretched paw.
Anyway; hoovered that, then bed. Very dry mouth in morning – not so much spitting feathers as peeling them off the roof of my mouth.
So to Karen’s, which is also Gran’s – but this depends on who has offered to watch our beloved little angel. Then to the Burrell Collection for some force-fed culture and shelter from the snow. Here are the highlights:
Burrell Highlight number 1
Burrell Highlight number 2
So as you can see, that was good.
My Mum cooked an Indian curry the name of which escapes me – but it was a beezer!! Here’s the proof of it’s home-made-ness:
It ain't half hot Mum!!
…and a cute picture of Betty and my wee sis Louise – just cause it’s rare to get the 2 of them smiling in synch…
...as if butter wouldn't melt...
The next morning I awoke to find that our outside tap had burst, and seemed to have been burst for some time…
Nice one...
All that stuff on the garage wall and the ground – that’s ice!! If i’d left the water on it would have ended up like Superman’s home out there.
Not only that but my wee china Fionn (of Collins-O’Donnell fame) had had his masculinity somewhat sabotaged by either Betty or his sister Olivia, or a combination of the two.
I think we should have a chat wee man...
Gail and I were officially ‘out’ for 9 years on 12th February. I think I’ll call it quits at 10. Nice round number.
Anyway the day before this I was hustled into a trip to S****rburn to get Gail some ‘accessories’ for a new dress she had acquired to wear on our anniversary. Here are the highlights from that trip:
Great Fun...
Forget mum, let's go!!
Bethany did manage to bag a pink Bear Factory monkey “Tonya” as a sparring partner for “Tony” her best pal at home.
Betty plays cupid
Later that night my wee mucker Bethany impresses me with her drawing skills – I drew a wee face and she copied it – perfectly…she’s only 2 man, I can’t get my head round this:
Pretty good?
Anyway, later still that night I decided what I was going to cook for our anniversary – get ready for this ladies, I came up with this myself and AM capable of cooking it (despite my last venture into the kitchen being 12th Febrauary 2007):
Starter: Scallops and Black Pudding with Chilli Sauce. Nice.
Mains: Lobster, Roasted Parsnips and Crushed Peas. Wow!
Dessert: Berry Terrine. Yes that’s right, a Berry Terrine.
But then I thought, “why have carry oot when we can have a soiree oot?” So instead I saved us a few days upset stomachs and took her out to the Giffnock Ivy.
9 years and loves me even more now!
See how lucky she is?? That's not fat it's funny lighting...
Always good to get the benefit of Valentines decorations
So would thoroughly recommend this restaurant to all you folks out there. We both had the Scallops for starters and then fillet steaks which were awesome. I had cheesecake and Gail had cheese. Pink champagne and red wine, a whiskey and a Baileys and no idea what happened after that!!
So I’m gonna leave it there and try another update tomorrow night. That one will be a cracker – I have a video exclusive to reveal and some more tantalising textual feeling.
Catch ye Versace
This is to make up for not posting at the weekend but i’ll do a proper one tomorrow – this is one of these crushingly dull chain letter things that got passed around Facebook. As far as I am aware I am the only bloke to have filled this in but so what – I AM comfortable with who I am.
...I'm Free!
All of this is simply statement of fact:
1. I can drink dead hot tea dead fast
2. My middle name isn’t Claire
3. I can say ‘hello’ in 3 different languages
4. I am (approximately) 6 ft 1 and a half inches and 15 and a half stone of sheer muscle and brain-power
5. You don’t want to see me when I’m angry
6. I am arrogant because I am always right – stupid
7. My confirmation name is Juniperro
8. I like Cobra Beer – cold
9. I like it when I find a £20 note in jeans I haven’t worn for ages – it means Gail has missed it when doing the washings
10. I am probably the hardest person I know
11. I am probably the smartest person I know
12. I generally agree with what old people say
13. I cut my toe-nails regularly – about once a year
14. I get sunburn in January
15. I could easily eat my own weight in Jaffa cakes
16. I will be cooking this Thursday night and the last time I cooked was 12th February 2007
17. Most men I know say they want to be me
18. Most women I know say they want to be with me
19. Gail is the luckiest woman in the world
20. One day I might leave the house for work without forgetting something crucial to the day’s success
21. I see not being ginger as a sign of weakness
22. My smile often starts a rainbow
23. I am probably the greatest dancer I know
24. I can never keep more than 6 off-by-heart guitar playing songs in my head – 1 in 1 out policy
25. I always go one better than my peers
26. I have gone one better than my peers in this excercise
Like a man wearing orthapedic shoes; I stand corrected. Fiona and baby Emi are restricted to the confines of their 4 Japanese walls for six weeks not six months.
I am, however, correct about my exclusive on Sunday night about the weirdo and the cats which my Auntie and Mother blew the whistle on. I don’t always reveal my sources but family deserve credit don’t they?
So 1-1.
Not an eventful day really. I worked in office again – got 2 designs finished off from last week and started a new one for this week. Work is super busy right now – and April is the busiest month so it will be flat out like this for a long time to come.
Bethany told me earlier tonight that she was “Actually going for a bath”, which means she’s still hanging about with her mother alot.
We finished the coco-pops this morning (this narrative is Tarantino-esque isn’t it!) and are moving onto Corn Flakes – my choice. Some might see this as a character flaw, chosing Corn Flakes, but then they know better than to say it to my face.
Gail made great soup – vegetable, lentil with ham stalk – nom nom nom nom. She went swimming again too tonight – only 24 lengths 
but she’s obviously knackered from the big MILE last night!
Betty and Gail came upstairs just before Bethany was “Actually going for a bath” to perform some throw and catch skills with a fly-away ball (remember them?!). Bethany is now really good at catching the big ball and throwing it which is pleasing. Gail’s skills still need some work.
Let's PLAY BALL!
My brother Martin text to see if I wanted to do the West Highland Way in April – gutted I can’t that’s my busiest month. I suggested doing it later in the year. He didn’t reply so I think that’s a big raspberry to that. I did by chance though stumble across the ideal birthday present for him this year and I just cannot believe how cool this thing is! All will be revealed in May troops, have no fear!
My spotty dish
I woke up this morning with spots. Not overly impressed. Not only that but I also still have a double chin and ginger hair. To add to my morning’s misery Gail wasn’t overly impressed with the number of dishes I had been harvesting in my office – and let me know about it. Apparently ‘other’ people need to use them. Whatever.
Despite the turban, she was not overly impressed
So the snow had melted for most of Glasgow except in Newton Mearns of course which is where I was supposed to be working – so I invested another day in the (yawn) office. But before I got reet knuckled in I checked on Mr Snowman who seemed to have NOT survived the night.
Somebody had Samurai'd Frosty!
So I’m just plodding along with a design and then Bethany comes in and she’s like,
The Puppet Master at work!!
“DAAAAAAAAAAAADDDYYY!”
I say,
“Yes my little cupcake…?”
“WOO-OOOOK!”
So she’s got a puppet hippo and I must admit I was impressed with her actions – we call it Henrietta (cos it starts with an ‘H’) – and I was just thinking that she might make a good performer one day when I noticed she had been attacked by CARNIES – is that an EARRING?!!?
“GAAA-IIILL! Is that a – IT BLOODY IS! What the – come here you!”
Betty has a new job spinning the teacups
Turns out they were kid on ones – sticky on studs. Hilarious. I just about pished myself laughing. Last week she came in with a kid on tattoo on her belly – man that was just about as funny. As you can see Gail loves winding me up by polluting my daughter’s innocence (that sounds a bit strong but I’m going with it!) for a joke. Must run in the family because before Christmas I got a picture message from her brother and sister with Bethany wearing a r**gers top in it. Needless to say I won’t be posting that one.
Anyway that was about it as far as events go for today. We also did the weekly shopping at Tescos at Silverburn which is just simply my favourite place in the world. But Gail made up for the mind-numbing visit by buying us all a Wagamama. Nom nom nom – well tasty, and I had one of those Asahi Lagers…mmmmmmmmmmm. She was crafty enough to do this before the actual shopping so as to try and cheer me up because normally if I’m not looking at DVDs HiFi’s and those HUGE TVs up the back then I’m like dragging my heels and kicking other people’s trolleys and chucking stuff she puts in the trolley out on the floor – today I was well behaved, if a little sulky.
Back at the BatCave I just worked til now – it’s 12:15 in the AM. I posted a design off, yaldy. Gail went swimming – 64 lengths! That’s a mile! She puts me to shame. She is in her kip now cos she’s pooped. I shall now be doing my work blog. I am a geek. I used to do non-geeky things. But not anymore.
Bethany has just woken up from a dream and scared the shi-ite out of me! “No!, Daddy bad…naughty step!” Priceless!
Anyway the idea (as I keep telling myself in a vain effort to prove that i’m not a geek) is that Betty and any other bairns we sprout will be able to look back at this and see what kinda stuff we got up to. So if you’re reading this in like 2020AD, then “Hullo gang, it’s yer old pa’ here! Go do your homework and stop messing about!”
By now of course pretty much everybody in the UK has seen snow this winter – but just in case you haven’t(!), here’s what it looked like from my office window his morning:
First Thing This Morning
So that’s cool because I work from home on a Monday anyway doing designs and paperwork and stuff. The snow keeps falling and I just get stuck in to my work – nobody’s gonna hassle me today due to weather so I get tore right in.
Then – BOOM! Some joker has pelted the office window with a big snowball. I’m out my seat before you can say “frosty” and discover the culprits:
I should have known!
It was Gail, Bethany and her wee mucker Fionn! Now obviously Bethany didn’t throw the snowball because she had been, until now at least, incapable of moving her wee legs and was terrified of the snow getting into her mouth – ” ah, uh, uh mummy! Snow (something something) mouth!” Fionn is in fact the very type to throw snowballs but I reckon my window is probably just beyond smurf snowball-throwing range. That leaves Gail. Nae problemo says I. So I open up the window to give her what for just as she lines up another shot. I close the window.
Fiona back at home in Osaka, Japan
A short while later she comes up the stairs with her laptop and we talk to her step-sister Fiona in Japan; who has just had a baby with her husband Gigi. We talk on Skype and use those wee cameras at the top of the laptop…mind boggling to me that we can do this, I mean just mind boggling. It certainly reduces the effect of distance a fair bit at times like this. Anyway Fiona is doing well and baby Emi is a wee belter.
Fiona and her new bundle
Fiona also says that in Japan the mothers and their babies aren’t supposed to leave the house for 6 months after childbirth! Phee-ew! We are sending over some goodies in a box for them.
After the cross-globe conversation to Japan, I get back to my work. By lunchtime I’m starting to feel pretty hungry and normally Gail keeps me well catered for. There is no sound from downstairs – very unusual. I go down to investigate and find out the hampden…
The 3 hoodlums were expanding their unit
It’s years since I built a snowman!
Frosty had been watchin Johnny Rotten's wildlife adventures
Sinister looking snowman
...could be the next Batman villain
Great fun! Once the kids came in they were still shouting for “Snowman!”‘s attention through the living room window!
Also Happy Birthday to my big brother Andrew – hope you have some fun building snowmen too mate!
Just heard that the snow has cancelled our football tonight. Gutted.
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